Feb. 28th, 2014

ratherastory: (Crash and Burn)
You know that moment when you read a fic by an author you know and love? And this is a really long fic that they've basically dashed off on the metaphorical corner of a napkin, and they apologize for it not being beta', and by the time you're done you're a wreck?

Right?

So, this inevitably leads to me being a) thrilled at the fic and b) too depressed to ever want to put pen to paper again.

I'm not a bad writer. I know this. I write pretty clean copy, and I have occasional flashes that result in pretty nifty sentences here and there. Overall, though, I'm pretty middle of the road as writer. Nothing very inspired, and my plots tend to be either repetitive or pedestrian or derivative. Again, I'm not saying I'm bad. But after over twenty years of honing my craft, I've achieved "okay," and it's incredibly frustrating and demotivating. It would take me five lifetimes to ever reach the level of proficiency that I want, so at a certain point, I have to ask myself why I bother?

I'm not one of those people who would just simply diiiiiie without writing. I have stopped writing in the past, and lo, I am still alive. It feels melodramatic and disingenuous to say otherwise for me. When I was little I would read L.M. Montgomery et. al. and nod my head at all those heroines who declared that they simply could not imagine a life without writing! That's a lie, though. I don't have to write to live, and I've gone for months and years without writing in the past.

The irony is not lost on me that I've given pep talks to other people on this subject. You should write anyway! Everyone has their own unique take on a subject! Every word is important! Etc. I just can't seem to apply this to myself. *shrug*

I got nothing. I'm just depressed and angry at myself because I was supposed to write 5k today and now I'm not going to.

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