ratherastory | In which ratherastory whines about life in a vague way

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In which ratherastory whines about life in a vague way

I know I haven't been writing or posting much. I have been remiss, and I do apologize for that. There are reasons, all of them RL related.

1- I'm having work issues. I wouldn't go into them here even if I could, because my job is a government-type organisation that actually takes its public image really seriously and there are rules governing what I may and may not say in public and even semi-public spheres. So, suffice it to say that I am having issues that are causing me a lot of stress these days.

2- I am having financial issues. Nothing that is going to break me (I hope), but there's a LOT of month left at the end of the money these days, and the near future is looking shaky. I have no other means of income other than my job, and so there is more stress there. Yay.

3- I've been having some minor but seemingly chronic health issues. They mostly seem to boil down to constant tiredness/borderline exhaustion, combined with semi-regular stomach upset and increasingly frequent migraines. So I've been pretty much sleeping when I haven't been at work or running errands, and when I do manage to stay awake I have entirely SHIT for focus. So I watch TV or hang out on Twitter or take the dog for a walk, and that's all I can manage.

4- All of the above means that I've been in a bad head space. Most of you may not know that I struggled for years with Type II Bipolar Disorder. It's not a secret, but I've been essentially fine for going on six years now. I don't take meds anymore, and lead a perfectly "normal," productive life. I'm still prone to ups and downs, but nothing debilitating. Of course, I do live with the constant dread that I'll backslide, and so the bad head space from everything else keeps me wondering if this is it, if I'm utterly screwed, etc. There's nothing like the knowledge that it WAS once "all in my head" to make me second-guess everything, all the time. So I don't know if I'm depressed or if this is all due to something else.

Also, I feel kind of shitty for being in a bad head space when people around me are actually going through really bad times. It feels frivolous and self-indulgent and vapid.

Did I mention yay? Yeah.

Long story short: tired + kind of busy + no focus = no writing

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Oh, darling love. I'm sending you all of hugs and kisses, and I'll even loan you my Kira. She is the bestest hugger. Even better than kittehs and puupers 'cause she hugs back and strokes your hair.

Doesn't everything always come back to money, though? IT SUCKS BEING A DOLT. I'm sorry work is being crappy right now. :< (I do like how you've organized your thoughts into a list, though.)

Your health problems are very similar to symptoms I experience when under a lot of stress. Just because they may be stress related, doesn't make them any less real though. I know your work schedule is a tough one, so it's probably not possible to get on any set schedule for sleeping and being awake, so that's not helping with your lethargy. And 'tis the season for all the migranes too.

All I can suggest is to let yourself relax when it's your downtime. I know you need to clean the litter boxes and do laundry and shit, but seriously! I have been cleaning the fucking house non-stop for weeks. And it truly is non-stop. But guess what? It doesn't fucking matter because as soon as I finally sit down, usually not until after the kids are in bed, the house is messy again. (This really pisses me off if that wasn't coming through. XD) So don't sweat it! It's your place. Be comfortable in it. Hang out on Twitter and take lots of walks with your pupper. And post all the kitty pics. <3

I don't really know anything about Bipolar II Disorder. It's been...shit -twenty years since I've seen the inside of phych's office?- and that was mandated by the state as a condition of my release back into the wilds of the world so I wasn't really getting the best out my treatment. lol. They called me a 'manic depressive' back then which I think translates to bipolar nowadays? Who the hell knows. I do understand the "all in my head" shit you're talking about here though. I totally get that. And although the doctors were all *this* is the root of your problem! I'm not so sure. I still get ridiculously sad and self-harmy and I have no idea why. But then I'm like the happiest person to ever exist? I just happen to have a lot of scars?
Yeah. ^_^;

It's a struggle, but you are totally not alone. I know we've never actually met but I care a lot for you. I already love you. You're just the kinda person that's easy to love. And now I'm crying because I don't like it that you're sad. I want you to know that I love you, as do a LOT of people - probably everyone you've ever had contact with! And I need you to be here. Not to write or *do* anything. I just need to know that you exist in the world. Because you are really precious and irreplaceable. And never feel bad for having feelings and talking about them. We're friends, right? That's what friends are for.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO to infinity.

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I'm not good at giving advice but please know that I'm sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts and hope you get through this tough time soon. Take care. \ *o* /

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Know this, you are loved. I can't help much, but I am thinking of you and I do love you.

My mom was bipolar type ii. She had extreme agoraphobia among other anxiety problems though and that was far more crippling for her. I just have chronic old depression that never goes away. I have to take meds and see no future in which I go off them, but I guess you never know.

How long have you been in the bad head space?

Have many supportive thoughts. I'm sorry things are so tough right now. If there's anything I can do over the interwebz, let me know, PM, whatever. You are amazing and courageous and in no way is going through your own kind of hard time when others are going through other hard times something that should make you feel shitty or apologetic. There's surely enough bad in the universe to go around, and hopefully there's enough compassion to go around as well.

/hallmark moment

Hey -- don't apologize for not feeling 100%. everybody has bouts of blah-ness. Come here to get support from friends who understand that that's reality.

Thoroughly understand the work-related and financial stress. It honestly does help to talk to someone about it, if for no other reason than sometimes you can better articulate "ineffable" worries if you have to explain them to someone. Plus, you might get some useful ideas that you hadn't considered.

As for your health -- have you been to the doctor lately? Stress takes its toll on us physically, which makes us more tired, less able to concentrate which makes us more prone to stress which ...

Have a virtual kitty who will hug you and then breathe on you with his old man/fish breath.

Edited 2012-04-18 03:31 (UTC)

*hugs* I hope that you can figure out what's going on health-wise or that things get better on their own.

Migraines by themselves will make your brain feel like porridge, let alone all the other junk you're experiencing. Might it be seasonal, as in allergy-induced issues? All that damned pollen in the air...

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've got the mad talents, and we all go through cycles of one kind or another. You're not being frivolous or self-indulgent or vapid; you're being human. And clearly you've got the perspective so see what's going on.

A new home, a new critter, job crap...sounds like stress is rearing its ugly head. But this too shall pass! And with the increased sunshine, maybe that'll help. Hang in there! We're all here with you.

Ooops. Wrong 'reply' button! Ah well...we could all use a little chick flick moment! :D

I am so sorry you're struggling! Stop feeling bad or guilty for having your own issues when other people are also struggling. I give you permission to have issues. Now, I hope that those issues can lighten up soon! *big hugs*

:( *hugs* I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. Let me know if there's anything I can do to cheer you up?

(o) <-- That is supposed to be a hug, lol.

Your pain is just as valid as anyone else's. I struggle very much with feeling that way when I'm depressed, etc. too but when I see it outside myself, like, reading this, I know it's true. I hope you feel better and that things get better soon. <333

All pain is real pain. Other people's bad times don't make your bad times any less valid. I have to tell myself this all the time; I think it's a human condition to feel bad about feeling bad, LOL.

I hope your headspace clears up sometime very soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do...

HUGS

If msg is one of your migraine triggers, I can give you a list of food ingredients that amount to "stealth msg."

Hugs again,
Jackie

I can definitely say due to personal experience that your #1 and #2 are 99% responsible for your #3. I have soooooo been there. De-stressing: make it a priority.

*hug*

If you're in pain or having a bad time, then you're in pain and having a bad time. And that's okay, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You're awesome. And I hope things get better soon. <3

I understand, hope you get things sorted out for yourself.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now . I'm not a medical professional and don't even play one on TV, but it sounds like the stress from your job and your money troubles may be contributing to your exhaustion/physical ailments. Whenever I worry about money, my back starts to hurt and will go out on me, which usually ends up with me unable to get out of bed for 3-7 days. Of course, I don't think my back realizes that it is only contributing to the stress.

The stress can also affect your bipolar disorder, which can lead to the physical ailments. Even though you're not on meds, do you have a counselor/psychologist that you can see on a short term basis just to get you over this hump? I'll be thinking about you and hoping that the road you're on will smooth out soon.

I don't think there's a rule saying you can't go through bad spaces when other people around you are going through bad times. So it's not self-indulgent at all. It's your life; you're entitled to it, and anyone that makes you feel bad should be exterminated by a Dalek.

*hugs*

I'm sorry to hear that times have been a bit shitty! I hope things improve soon. Try not to give yourself a hard time for being in a bad head space - I know it seems ridiculous when so many people seem to have it worse, but that doesn't make your feelings inauthentic or make them any less real. Different problems are different problems, and you can't really compare.

I know I suffer from semi-regular bouts of depression, and each time it happens I know it's happening...but giving myself a hard time about it only ever makes it worse. Usually, what makes it better is saying "I'm having a bad time right now, and this is how I'm feeling, and there's nothing at all wrong with feeling like this."

I do hope your health issues get better! Have you seen a doctor about it?

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly. It seems like it all piles up sometimes doesn't it?
As for feeling bad when others have it worse.. well, there is always someone who is worse off than we are, that doesn't make your own hard times any less valid.
I hope you feel better soon. Migraines alone suck enough never mind adding anything else to the mix.

mygut says stress....and that u would so know if the bp was returning:/
u are very insightful and clever.....but u need to be kind to yourself...get some path done to exclude iron deficiencies etc...and it is ok to be blah!!!!!!
and everyone is entitled to their own blah....xoxoxo

I'm sorry things have been crummy lately. I hope you're feeling better soon. *hugs*

The physical symptoms might be stress--that's my go-to answer for most inexplicable ailments. It's amazing and ridiculous what your body can throw at you due to stress. Especially work stress. It doesn't make it so much all in your head as your body responding to the hormones and junk that's being churned up. Stuff can get pretty nutty.

Take care of yourself and, y'know, don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. It's pretty tough to deal with something without accepting it for what it is (whatever it is).

So sorry things are tough right now. It does sound like work and $ could well be behind a lot of what you're dealing with. Sure hope you feel more like yourself soon!

I'm so sorry you're having RL issues! I hope your work and money issues settle down. As for your health, make sure to take care of yourself! If you need to sleep, sleep, don't feel guilty about it.

And Bipolar is not "all in your head" -- mental health is health, period. Brain chemistry is all in your head only in the sense that your brain is located there.

Feel your feelings, don't apologize for them, but do what you need to do to look after yourself.

And know that you have a bunch of folks here rooting for you! *hugs*

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, and I hope it all eases up soon ((((HUGS))))

Big, BIG *HUGS*
(Because everyone else has already said all the wise things)

*hugs*

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. And, minus the bipolar diagnosis, it sounds so much like me right now. Distracted, stressed about money and other mundane shit, tired, uninspired.

Anyway, we're all rooting for you, because you're awesome, and if there's anything I can do, let me know.

It will get better. *hugs*
if you need anything... ANYTHING.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. But one thing I can tell you, you have all the right feeling shitty, you don't need a reason and you don't have to compare your problems to other people's. You feel what you feel and your issues are as valid as anybody else's, so please don't feel guilty or apologize about it.

I hope everything goes better soon, the work issues (problems at work are always terrible and one of the most serious causes of depression), the monetary ones and specially the health ones.

Try to get a lot of rest and dedicate time to yourself, we'll all still love you and be here whenver you feel like it, but your real life is way more important than writting.

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and I hope things will look up soon.

In the meantime: Don't feel bad about feeling bad. That's helping neither you nor the people that have it worse. Just take your time and if you find the energy try to do things that cheer you up.
*sends positive thoughts your way and wishes they were a patronus to chase the evil dementors causing you stress and health issues away*

Don't you just love how everything seems to collapse at the same time? Isn't that how it always goes?

::hugs::

Feel better! Like everyone's already said, if you want or need something, let me know, be it encouragement, fic, unpredictable bursts of song... Headspace is one of the hardest issues to deal with because it affects everything and it promotes overthinking usually. I vote for saltines for the stomach and chocolate for everything else. <3

I echo other's sentiments that say it doesn't matter if your issues are "out there" in the "real world" or "all in your head". If it gives you pain, causes you grief, anxiety, what have you, it's REAL to YOU.

My 6 year old son is bipolar, and I see him having anxiety to the point of terror over things that to most people are very minor (like being afraid that the batteries in his toys will run out, or that he won't want to do fun things when he gets older). To him, these concerns are very real, and they hurt him just as deeply. It's definitely taught me that you just can't compare "troubles", and just because my troubles might be more intense to me, doesn't mean that they're more valid than someone else's.

(((((hugs))))) to you.

Edited 2012-04-19 01:50 (UTC)

It sounds like you're having a rough time! Please don't stress further about not posting! Fandom will be here when you have the spoons to deal with it again. And just because your bad thing is different from someone else's doesn't stop it from being a bad thing, imho. Be gentle with yourself, and I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks so much for sharing this!! No need to apologise for anything. And we all care about you! Look after yourself! I miss your wonderful stories, but that is about me. So for you I hope you feel lighter and healed and better soon. Sounds like you have a lingering virus or even allergies along with your financial and job issues. That's a lot! None of which are easy to deal with. And if you feel there is depression in all this please take the time to do what is best.
All good thoughts and prayers,
Jo

Hey- thanks for sharing that "spoons" story.

:)

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