ratherastory (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ratherastory) wrote2012-04-17 10:53 pm
ratherastory) wrote2012-04-17 10:53 pm
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In which ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ratherastory whines about life in a vague way
I know I haven't been writing or posting much. I have been remiss, and I do apologize for that. There are reasons, all of them RL related.
1- I'm having work issues. I wouldn't go into them here even if I could, because my job is a government-type organisation that actually takes its public image really seriously and there are rules governing what I may and may not say in public and even semi-public spheres. So, suffice it to say that I am having issues that are causing me a lot of stress these days.
2- I am having financial issues. Nothing that is going to break me (I hope), but there's a LOT of month left at the end of the money these days, and the near future is looking shaky. I have no other means of income other than my job, and so there is more stress there. Yay.
3- I've been having some minor but seemingly chronic health issues. They mostly seem to boil down to constant tiredness/borderline exhaustion, combined with semi-regular stomach upset and increasingly frequent migraines. So I've been pretty much sleeping when I haven't been at work or running errands, and when I do manage to stay awake I have entirely SHIT for focus. So I watch TV or hang out on Twitter or take the dog for a walk, and that's all I can manage.
4- All of the above means that I've been in a bad head space. Most of you may not know that I struggled for years with Type II Bipolar Disorder. It's not a secret, but I've been essentially fine for going on six years now. I don't take meds anymore, and lead a perfectly "normal," productive life. I'm still prone to ups and downs, but nothing debilitating. Of course, I do live with the constant dread that I'll backslide, and so the bad head space from everything else keeps me wondering if this is it, if I'm utterly screwed, etc. There's nothing like the knowledge that it WAS once "all in my head" to make me second-guess everything, all the time. So I don't know if I'm depressed or if this is all due to something else.
Also, I feel kind of shitty for being in a bad head space when people around me are actually going through really bad times. It feels frivolous and self-indulgent and vapid.
Did I mention yay? Yeah.
Long story short: tired + kind of busy + no focus = no writing
1- I'm having work issues. I wouldn't go into them here even if I could, because my job is a government-type organisation that actually takes its public image really seriously and there are rules governing what I may and may not say in public and even semi-public spheres. So, suffice it to say that I am having issues that are causing me a lot of stress these days.
2- I am having financial issues. Nothing that is going to break me (I hope), but there's a LOT of month left at the end of the money these days, and the near future is looking shaky. I have no other means of income other than my job, and so there is more stress there. Yay.
3- I've been having some minor but seemingly chronic health issues. They mostly seem to boil down to constant tiredness/borderline exhaustion, combined with semi-regular stomach upset and increasingly frequent migraines. So I've been pretty much sleeping when I haven't been at work or running errands, and when I do manage to stay awake I have entirely SHIT for focus. So I watch TV or hang out on Twitter or take the dog for a walk, and that's all I can manage.
4- All of the above means that I've been in a bad head space. Most of you may not know that I struggled for years with Type II Bipolar Disorder. It's not a secret, but I've been essentially fine for going on six years now. I don't take meds anymore, and lead a perfectly "normal," productive life. I'm still prone to ups and downs, but nothing debilitating. Of course, I do live with the constant dread that I'll backslide, and so the bad head space from everything else keeps me wondering if this is it, if I'm utterly screwed, etc. There's nothing like the knowledge that it WAS once "all in my head" to make me second-guess everything, all the time. So I don't know if I'm depressed or if this is all due to something else.
Also, I feel kind of shitty for being in a bad head space when people around me are actually going through really bad times. It feels frivolous and self-indulgent and vapid.
Did I mention yay? Yeah.
Long story short: tired + kind of busy + no focus = no writing
no subject
Doesn't everything always come back to money, though? IT SUCKS BEING A DOLT. I'm sorry work is being crappy right now. :< (I do like how you've organized your thoughts into a list, though.)
Your health problems are very similar to symptoms I experience when under a lot of stress. Just because they may be stress related, doesn't make them any less real though. I know your work schedule is a tough one, so it's probably not possible to get on any set schedule for sleeping and being awake, so that's not helping with your lethargy. And 'tis the season for all the migranes too.
All I can suggest is to let yourself relax when it's your downtime. I know you need to clean the litter boxes and do laundry and shit, but seriously! I have been cleaning the fucking house non-stop for weeks. And it truly is non-stop. But guess what? It doesn't fucking matter because as soon as I finally sit down, usually not until after the kids are in bed, the house is messy again. (This really pisses me off if that wasn't coming through. XD) So don't sweat it! It's your place. Be comfortable in it. Hang out on Twitter and take lots of walks with your pupper. And post all the kitty pics. <3
I don't really know anything about Bipolar II Disorder. It's been...shit -twenty years since I've seen the inside of phych's office?- and that was mandated by the state as a condition of my release back into the wilds of the world so I wasn't really getting the best out my treatment. lol. They called me a 'manic depressive' back then which I think translates to bipolar nowadays? Who the hell knows. I do understand the "all in my head" shit you're talking about here though. I totally get that. And although the doctors were all *this* is the root of your problem! I'm not so sure. I still get ridiculously sad and self-harmy and I have no idea why. But then I'm like the happiest person to ever exist? I just happen to have a lot of scars?
Yeah. ^_^;
It's a struggle, but you are totally not alone. I know we've never actually met but I care a lot for you. I already love you. You're just the kinda person that's easy to love. And now I'm crying because I don't like it that you're sad. I want you to know that I love you, as do a LOT of people - probably everyone you've ever had contact with! And I need you to be here. Not to write or *do* anything. I just need to know that you exist in the world. Because you are really precious and irreplaceable. And never feel bad for having feelings and talking about them. We're friends, right? That's what friends are for.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO to infinity.