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Stolen from roque_clasique

I haven't done a meme in a while, and maybe this will inspire me to write again:

Pick one of my fics, and I'll give you a detail that didn't make it into the fic. Background canon, deleted scenes, or a look into the future. My choice, but if you have a specific question you can ask it in your request.

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The Wisdom To Know The Difference
"Sam’s arms are covered with thick keloid scars, raised and pink and angry-looking, some of the lacerations still scabbed over. The scars start at his hands and twine all the way up to his shoulders like malevolent vines. Dean recognized the pattern right off, stumbled into the bathroom to throw up, kept dry-heaving long after his stomach was empty while Sam crouched next to him, rubbing his back."
Maybe I don't wanna know, but it's been driving me insane. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM. GUH.

I deliberately left that vague, so that readers could make up their own minds. In my head, there is a level in Hell that Sam dragged himself through where everything was claws and teeth and sharp edges, and it just hung on. If he'd stayed, he wouldn't have been injured: the horror of it is that he had to inflict the damage on himself in order to keep going. That's why Sam hates having his arms touched —because he automatically thinks that it's going to hurt if he tries to get away.

*Wide-eyed moment of clarity* I think I AM glad I asked.
It all makes sense now. That...is truly horrible. Every scene where he freaked out and pulled away...no wonder. It gets me that this is one more example in this 'verse of how, even though he consciously knows that he's out (some of the time), he's still projecting hell onto everything and everyone he sees and interacts with, even if it's as simple as somebody touching him, and thinking about everything in terms of Hell.
Thank you :D

And I totally second everything you just said....

*blinks at Sam with new respect*

That scene - Sam’s arms are covered with thick keloid scars, raised and pink and angry-looking, some of the lacerations still scabbed over. The scars start at his hands and twine all the way up to his shoulders like malevolent vines. Dean recognized the pattern right off, stumbled into the bathroom to throw up, kept dry-heaving long after his stomach was empty while Sam crouched next to him, rubbing his back. - is the most memorable of your Fusion scenes for me and it's the one that struck me. There are many, don't get me wrong, but that one is just striking for me.

I think it's easy to forget in FUSION (and post S4 in general...) that Dean went to Hell. FUSION focuses on Sam and the repercussions Sam is dealing with from being in the Cage and crawling out of Hell -- which, yes, granted, trumps Dean's experiences and I'm not contesting that (hell, even Dean himself says something like "your tour is going to make mine look like Graceland" or something like that). But I just think it's easy to forget that Dean might have his own set of bad memories and issues from his own tour Down There. The line about Dean knowing where Sam's scars come from -- or at least which level -- and what they're caused by and just being revolted and disgusted and triggered by it enough to puke his guts out. It's not the focus but it is such a great reminder that Dean isn't completely "over" his own Tour and never will be even though he's emotionally and mentally is more stable than Sam (in my head I have it kind of set up that Cas sort of put up a barrier in Dean's head that allows Dean to REMEMBER Hell but stops the memories from interfering with day-to-day function and I sort of brought that head-canon to Fusion).

My question for you, then, is was Dean in that level of Hell? Or did he just recognize the marks on Sam from souls he'd tortured during his tour. I mean, I'm not trying to discount Sam's experiences but I still want to smish you for throwing in the reminder that Dean also served a tour of Hell and that maybe, yeah, it still bothers him even though he's in much better mental and emotional shape (thanks to Cas pulling him out versus clawing his way out...).

I don't think Dean was in that particular level of Hell, no, because it's not part of Alastair's MO. Alastair doesn't like to passively inflict damage, he likes to turn it into an art form. Forcing someone to hurt themselves is an entirely different kind of torture than what Alastair did and taught to Dean.

I do think Dean knew all about all the various levels of Hell and what they did, though. Like you said, it's easy to forget about Dean's tour of Hell, because the show kind of stopped paying attention to it after Season 4, but the truth is he did spend forty years down there, and it will have left its mark on him, same as Sam. Just because their experiences were different doesn't mean Dean didn't suffer horribly. Hell is Hell, no two ways about it.

I also think that in at least one way, Dean's experience was worse than Sam's, because he is convinced to this day that stepping off the rack was a choice, and that he's truly responsible for everything he did while he was in Hell. As far as I'm concerned that's not the case. I mean, there haven't been all those studies on Stockholm Syndrome for nothing, but that doesn't mean Dean won't keep beating himself up about it.

I didn't think he was either because - like you mention, it's not part of Alastair's MO, but I was just wondering how it worked into your headcanon for FUSION. But it's obvious that Dean at least knows about the various levels as well as how those scars got there. And I still think Dean maybe tortured a few souls on the rack that had the same markings as Sam (which would totally contribute to the heaving-his-guts-out thing...).

I'm so thrilled you give Dean's 40 years credit - many authors I see now kind of just deal with the whole Sam-was-in-Hell-and-it-sucked-worse-than-Dean while sort of forgetting that Dean was there too. I agree with you - that Dean's experience was vastly different - it'd be like comparing apples and oranges when it comes to comparing the guys' tours in Hell - but it doesn't mean Dean didn't suffer and went through Hell either. Hell is Hell, no two ways about it.

I didn't even think about that. And I don't see it as Stockholm Syndrome either... rather I saw it as Hell very deliberately breaking Dean to the point where Dean just couldn't take it anymore. Granted, he might think it was a choice, but honestly it's not a choice he freely chose... it was one he was forced into and it was the only way out. And being Dean, he'll beat himself up for eternity over it...

rather I saw it as Hell very deliberately breaking Dean to the point where Dean just couldn't take it anymore.

That's actually an aspect of Stockholm Syndrome. Identifying and joining the ranks of your tormentors is a human psychological response to a life-threatening situation. It goes both ways, too, in those situations: the captor also forms an emotional bond with the captive. It's an emotional survival mechanism, forces the two parties to become close, because they see each other as human and valuable.

(Okay, stepping off soapbox now.)

Huh. Learn something new every day.

Thank you for the education! :)

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