ratherastory | In the End

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In the End

Title: In the End
Summary: Sam is going to save the world.
Characters: Sam, Dean, Jimmy, Amelia and Claire and assorted demons.
Rating: PG-13, for the whole demon-blood-thing and adult themes
Wordcount: 1,321
Disclaimer: It grieves me that I have yet to find a way to make it all mine. In the meantime, please don't sue.
Neurotic Author's Note #1: Written for the

summer_sam_love's Summer of Sam challenge. I am a masochist and picked an episode in which Sam doesn't figure much, because I thought it would be, well, a challenge. And it was. Holy hell. I hope I pulled off something decent, because I'm sort of not sure about this.
Neurotic Author's Note #2: Okay, so I have NO visual skills whatsoever, but I recently got Photoshop and I got kind of excited about it, and then while I was struggling with this fic I thought to myself: “Hey, why don't I try making an image to go with the fic?” And so I fiddled with it and made a picture. My PS skills are limited, but I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. So, y'know, it's a bonus. Of sorts. Click on the picture for a larger version.

The world feels is out of focus. He's been alone for weeks, it feels like. Dean sits next to him in the car and is ten thousand miles away. Bobby hasn't so much as called since their run-in with the siren. Sam wonders if it's because he knows, or suspects, or if Dean suspects and told him, then dismisses the thought as paranoid.

Things blur together, like water thrown on a pastel picture. The world fades, washes out, comes back into brilliant focus every so often, so bright that it makes him reel. Dean snaps at him, because he keeps spacing out, and because Dean is on edge. Always on edge. Has been for months, edgy and jumpy, when he's not drunk or shaking from nightmares of hell. So he snaps and snarls at him, and Sam lets him, because none of it seems important, not compared to his goal. Let Dean hate him. He's entitled to hate him. Just so long as he lets Sam do what he has to.

It's not as though he has a choice, Sam tells himself. He hates every minute of it. This is just how it has to be.

~*~

They find Jimmy Novak in a pile of rubble, but Sam is the one who feels like he's been buried alive. The silver flask is heavy in his jacket pocket. The irony isn't lost on him, since it's been empty for days.

He's not going to call her. He doesn't need it.

~*~

They corner Jimmy in their motel room, explain what being a vessel really means, that he's just as trapped as they are. They need to keep him around, Sam is convinced of this. Jimmy's body hosted an angel, and he might know something, even if he doesn't know he knows it. That's the way these things work, sometimes. Jimmy is a potential font of knowledge, waiting to be tapped by demons and angels alike. He's not safe with them, but safer than if he's alone, and if he does end up revealing what he knows, well... they can use every edge they can get in this war in which they're so horrifically outclassed.

“So now I'm a prisoner?”

“Harsh way to put it.”

They're all prisoners, anyway. The world is made up of walls that are closing in, slowly but surely. Sometimes he's amazed he can still breathe. Dean asks if he remembers when their job was to reunite people with their families, and all he can think of is leaving for Stanford. Of Jess burning on the ceiling. Of pulling Dean away from Lisa. This is just another in a long line of broken families that Sam has left in his wake.

His hand closes around the cell phone in his pocket, but he's not going to call.

~*~

Sam's dreams are filled with blood, filled with her scent. She laughs, ducks away from him, and his fingers close on empty air when he reaches for her. He falls into the darkness, and strains of her laughter swirl around him in crimson eddies. When he wakens he's drenched in sweat and half-hard, twisted and tangled in his sheets. He clenches his hands over the damp fabric, grits his teeth. He doesn't need it.

Half an hour later he's outside, the night air cold against his sweaty skin, licking the inside of the flask like a dog given a plate to clean off after a meal. He closes his eyes, tasting the heady mix of copper and sulphur, and he reminds himself he should hate this.

He settles on hating himself, instead.

~*~

“Ruby, this isn't funny anymore!”

His skin is crawling. He knows Dean is worried, angry, but he can handle Dean's anger, just so long as he's still on top of this. There's only one thing that's important, and that's killing Lilith. Dean can hate him if he wants, but Sam is going to save them all, no matter what. It's the most important thing, the only thing.

~*~

The demons find them. They always do.

He and Dean get there just in time, and while Dean is trying to get a hysterical Jimmy out of the line of fire and save the woman and child, Sam can only reel backward as nothing happens when he tries to exorcize the demon. Nothing happens, except that it feels as though his skull is trying to shatter from the inside. All the colour leeches out of the world, but he catches himself before his knees give out entirely. There's a flash of hellfire, and the stench of sulphur fills the room, making his mouth water.

The demon is dead, on the floor, and for a moment he imagines going down on all fours and lapping at the blood like a dog. He's weak and shaking, spots dancing in front of his eyes. He tries to pull himself together, wipes clammy hands on his jeans. His heart throbs, pulses in his ears, and it takes another moment before he can move, but he can do this. He has to be strong enough.

He follows Dean out into the night.

~*~

“Don't you get it?” he keeps his tone level, wants to scream at Jimmy for refusing to understand. “Forever! The demons will never stop. You can never be with your family. So you either get as far away from them as possible, or you put a bullet in your head. And that's how you keep your family safe. But there's no getting out and there's no going home!”

“Well, don't sugar-coat it, Sam.”

“I'm just telling him the truth, Dean. Someone has to.”

Because no one ever told Sam the truth: that there was no getting out, ever. He wishes there was someone he could hate for that.

~*~

“I'm scaring myself.”

It's not true, but he can't describe it. It feels like he's been falling for an eternity.

~*~

“Now for the punchline... everybody dies.”

For a moment he prays it'll be him. Then his stomach lurches when the gunshot rings out and Jimmy pays the price for believing in a benevolent Heaven. It's all spiraling out of control, right before his eyes, all because he's not strong enough, still not strong enough, pinned down by a demon that, only a couple of weeks ago, he would have disposed of without a second thought.

The room fills with light, and it's coming from the little girl. From Claire. Instinctively he recoils, feels the traces of taint in him stronger than ever, stomach roiling. The demon holding him feels it too, more strongly, and he turns on her, desperate and savage, and when he pins her to the floor and the smell of her blood fills his nostrils, there's no question in his mind, not anymore. There's no time for finesse, just the heady scent of it permeating the air, and in any case she won't live long enough to feel it. Her flesh yields easily beneath the knife, and her blood spills, warm and thick, over his tongue. The taste is slightly different than with Ruby, but he can feel everything he's been missing coming back in a rush, his heartbeat loud and frantic in his own ears, mingling with hers. He feels power surging, hot and fast, through his veins, the world coming into focus, crystalline and beautiful and filled with colour and promise.

He slaughters the demon, blood still dribbling from his mouth, then turns around and, under Dean's horrified gaze, exorcizes the one possessing Jimmy's wife. Sam couldn't help any of them before, but he's damned well going to save her now. Let Dean hate him. Let the whole damned world hate him, if it means he'll save them in the end. It's all worth it, every single sacrifice.

Because, in the end, he's going to save them all.

~END~

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I've fallen behind in my reading this week, but I'll start trying to remedy that by jumping out of sequence to comment on this.

And before I forget - the art work is made of WIN!

One of the things I love about this

summer_sam_love celebration is that we get some great variety: art, codas, missing scenes, and here's a stream of consciousness kind of thread that is spun throughout the whole episode.

The episode you picked really was a challenge! And not just because they didn't give us much Sam to work with, but because there is just no way to spin anything that isn't dark and disturbing and painful here.

I appreciate that you made the sacrifice though, because this look at Sam is all about sacrifice. It's helpful to get inside his skin, and be reminded that he didn't do this because he wanted it. He hated it.

But now I have to go look for something uplifting to read; I can't start my day feeling this depressed!

Oh, good. I'm glad the art worked for you. I'm hoping to hone my skills with practice. :)

I didn't think "The Rapture" would be so hard when I picked it, but then when I started thinking about it (and re-watched it for research purposes), all I could see was Sam, strung-out and desperate and acting like a world-class jerk, and it was hard to figure out his mindset in that episode. He's really unnecessarily cruel with Jimmy, because he feels so damned awful about everything.

I can't imagine how bleak the world must have looked to him at the time. Like the only end in sight was self-destruction in the name of a cause he believed to be right.

I actually have a dark love for that cruel, bitter s4 Sam who has given up any idea of being good but is still trying to do something he thinks is good. I love the way Sam's sheer determination to see things through can be dark, or good, or a complicated mix of the two, but in the end it is more what redeems him than what damns him because even when he does the worst thing he can imagine he's STILL willing to go on and get through it somehow. And the way what becomes of Sam isn't even part of the equation -- I think Sam may actually have Dean beat in the devaluing himself department, and that's quite an achievement.

Oh, yeah. Somewhere between Seasons 3 and 4 Sam became convinced he was irredeemable, and he figured that it didn't matter what he did anymore, just so long as it was for the greater good.

Dean doesn't think much of himself, thinks he's basically not worth much in the grand scheme of things, but Sam actually believes he deserves to be damned. At least Dean admitted he "[doesn't] deserve to go to hell" in Season 3 ("Dream a Little Dream of Me").

Poor muffin.

Oh I LOVED the way you captured Sam in this episode. Even though he wasn't in this one much he was so very there. This is when we first saw how (really, really) bad things were for him.

He settles on hating himself, instead.

This. So much. We think Dean knows how to hate himself, but Sam.... Sam seems to bottle it up and some how justify it all.

Because, in the end, he's going to save them all

Exactly! For Sam, at this point in the season, it was all about his belief that he was on the right path. That he could make a difference. Revenge his bother and save the world. OH SAM!! :((

Thank you, This was an excellent take on the episode.
xx

Thank you!

Oh, yeah. Dean has nothing on Sam in the self-loathing department, and we all know how good Dean is at it.

The only thing that kept Sam going during Season 4 was the belief that he was doing the right thing, that he was the only person who could defeat Lilith, avenge his brother and save the world.

And yes: Oh, Sam!

Wonderfully written. Loved the way you captured Sam from that episode. He was so hard done between not taking blood and giving in to it. In the end he really did not have a choice did he?

Thank you so much!

Poor Sam was so twisted around by this episode he didn't know which was was up anymore. He didn't think he had a choice, and that's just as conclusive.

This is friggin awesome! Good job!

Thank you so much!

OH MY GOD. Such a good fic, even as it rips my heart out strand by strand. But this one of the best insights I've seen to where Sam is at this point in S4, how he's struggling to deal and reason to himself. And his desperate desire through it all is so heartbreaking, knowing what's coming.

Thank you!

I was a heck of a challenge, trying to get into Sam's mindset. He was so convinced he was doing the right thing, poor muffin, that he was willing to destroy himself and his soul if it only meant that he'd get to perform that last, vital act of sacrifice that would save the world.

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lavinialavender.livejournal.com - 2010-09-12 16:53 (UTC) - Expand

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lavinialavender.livejournal.com - 2010-09-12 18:52 (UTC) - Expand

Y'know, I spent most of S4 wanting to reach through the screen to smack the daylights out of Sam...so it's a bit odd that I enjoy fics dealing with his, er, issues from that season. I think because a lot was never really conveyed overtly, and so there are still some gaps to fill. This is a nice view of his motivations and how close to tipping over the edge he was by this point. Nice work!

The first time I watched Season 4 I mainlined it in about 24 hours (I had it on DVD), clutched my cat in my lap, and was horrified by what I was seeing. I think what came out of my mouth the most often was: "Oh, Sam, bunny, no!" Followed closely by "Oh, Dean!"

Show never gives us the same insights into Sam's feelings as it does for Dean. Sam is always closed off, bottles things up, and so I think that Season 4 made him seem a lot more unsympathetic, especially in light of Dean's 40 years in hell. Sam's four months pale in comparison, you know? But if you look back at Mystery Spot, at the rest of Season 3, Sam was already close to the breaking point before Dean died, and it was only his single-minded clinging to his belief that he'd save his brother that kept him going. Not surprising, then, that he lost control.

Uh, in short, thank you! I'm glad you liked the story. :)

:DDDDD

4x20 from Sam POV, of COURSE, why has no one done this before?! Oh Sam, with his addiction and his determination to SAVE THEM ALL OMFG. This was a lovely read. I quite enjoyed!

Thank you so much! I'm sure someone must have done something like this somewhere. It's a big fandom. ;)

Poor Sam. Careening down the path to self-destruction because he was convinced it would save everyone.

This feels like a real look inside Sam's head...and it hurts.

It does hurt, good God. Poor Sam. So convinced that the only way to save everyone is to destroy himself.

Ghostfacers was way easy compared to this episode. But you did a beautiful job, I love how adrift and alone and dogged Sam is. Also your art attempt beats mine by a billionty.

Aww, thank you!

I'm pleased you liked it. I am waaaay behind on my reading, as usual, so I don't think I got to your story yet. :) *sigh* Story of my life.

Poor Sam. He really did feel like he was all alone in the world by then. So did Dean, for that matter. Season 4 broke my heart, because the boys were so far apart, even when they were right there together.

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sistabro - 2010-09-12 19:42 (UTC) - Expand

This was great, I loved the emotion and conflict you show and your art is lovely too. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you so much! I'm glad it worked for you. :)

I hate how the manipulated Sam He tried so hard to do good. m :I

I know. I kept yelling at the TV screen during Season 4. Poor Sam. The road to hell is definitely paved with good intentions, in this case.

This says it all. Sam not only is sacrificing himself, but sacrificing letting Dean down, which to him is so much harder. You've captured the sentiment of this episode brilliantly. Loved it. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

It's true. Poor Sam. It's easier to damn himself than to face the idea that he's going to drive his brother away from him forever, but in the end he was willing to do even that, if it meant doing the right thing. That's always been Sam's problem: he overthinks, overanalyzes, and doesn't let himself trust his gut when it tells him what he's doing is wrong.

Very good portrayal of Sam's struggle between what he knows is wrong and 'the ends justify the means' thinking that led to disaster.

Thank you!

"The Rapture" offered tantalizing glimpses into the moments leading up to the one where Sam slid right over the edge into the abyss. It was really interesting to explore.

"He settles on hating himself instead." Ouch. My heart ached for Sam when I read that, but there is so much truth in it.

Excellent insights into his struggles as the symptoms of withdrawal start to take hold. You picked some excellent moments to expand on which really illustrate how broken Sam is.

So sad, but well done.

Thank you so much! It was hard to write, but I keep trying to explain Season 4 Sam's actions to myself.

I'm glad you thought it worked well. :)

I loved how you dealt with what Sam was thinking and feeling and how he always spun back around to blaming just himself. So many things in S4 broke and spiraled out of control, but showing Sam hating himself so much that it blinded him to what was really going wrong... beautiful. Thank you!

Thanks!

Poor Sam got twisted so far around during Season 4 he no longer knew which way was up at the end.

Poor muffin.

This is fantastic! I love how you've made sense out of Sam in a distantly Sam-lite episode!

Because, in the end, he's going to save them all yes, he did, didn't he?

Making sense out of Sam in that episode was HARD.

And yes, Sam did save them, but only after he dragged them all down the path to destruction with him, poor muffin.

interesting choice of eppys, and well done look at trying to explain Sam's actions.

know its been said already, but this kitty especially liked this line:

"He settles on hating himself instead."

Thank you! It was my second choice of episodes, and it intrigued me specifically because the episode wasn't about Sam at all, so exploring what was making him tick would be a challenge.

Poor Sammy. All tied up in knots.

Glad you liked it!

You make me want to go watch this ep Right Now...

The sign of good writing. ;)

Thank you so much! I'm really glad it worked for you. It was really interesting (if hard) to get into Sam's head during this episode. :)

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hsifeng.livejournal.com - 2010-09-14 18:07 (UTC) - Expand

What a great look at Sam's rationalizations - showing how close he is to what he says to Ruby in 4.22, that there is no "after" for him - that dual-edged blade that he turns on himself, of both feeling superior and inferior at the same time.

Ergh. Poor Sam. He was so turned around at the end of Season 4 I'm amazed he could so much as remember his own name. I think that not too long after Dean went to hell he stopped caring what happened to him, and that by the time Dean came back he figured he was so far gone that there was no redemption to be had. He's determined to see it through to the end, has convinced himself he's the only one who can save the world, because to even consider that he's wrong means that everything he's done, up to and including damning his soul, was for nothing.

So no matter how wrong he is, he has to cling to the conviction that he's doing the right thing.

Poor Sammy. I was all right through most of it, and then the last line just gutted me. He really believed that, even after he lost all hope of saving himself. Tragic, but beautifully done. :)

Thank you so much! Yeah, poor Sammy. He damned himself, but he was convinced that damning himself would save the world.

You're descriptions are delicious:

'The taste is slightly different than with Ruby, but he can feel everything he's been missing coming back in a rush, his heartbeat loud and frantic in his own ears, mingling with hers. He feels power surging, hot and fast, through his veins, the world coming into focus, crystalline and beautiful and filled with colour and promise.'

You do a fantastic job of showing Sam's struggle here.

*blushes*

Thank you so much! I was pretty pleased with how that bit turned out, actually. :)

Glad you liked it!

Oh, Sam. He was such a mess here--and you do so well with showing his good intentions and his addiction and ultimately his total fatalism about it all.

Very nice.

Thank you. :)

Poor Sam. My heart ached for him all through Season 4. He was so messed up, so turned around I'm amazed he could remember his own name by the end.

Poor Sam you captured his tortured soul so well here. :)

Thank you very much! I felt really bad for him in Season 4. He was so tormented and so very, very wrong, and everyone kind of hated him for it. :(

I really love this. It’s so beautifully written, and you can really feel how Sam’s need colours everything as much as he hates himself for it. And that last line really packs a punch.

Thank you so much! Poor Sam. He really broke my heart in Season 4. Poor bunny. So twisted around he didn't know which way was up anymore.

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