What if "real" authors had to post warnings?

[ratherastory]

So pkwench and hansons_angel and I started a thread in my previous post about the fanfiction convention of posting warnings before a fic. Y'know, character death, who tops (or whatever), gore, torture, sex, blah blah blah.

Then we thought, what if professional mainstream authors had to post warnings on their books? pkwench mentioned Lovecraft, and suddenly this popped into my head:

WARNING: Excessive use of non-Euclidean geometry. May cause madness upon completion. Things Man Was Not Meant To Know™. Also, purple prose. Caveat emptor.

So I'm curious now, dear flist. If you feel like it, why don't you post what YOU think would be the warnings posted by your favourite authors? Come on, you know you want to!

Comments

[calamitycrow.livejournal.com]

Oedipus

a/n: written for I_luv_thebes' Greek tragedy kink!meme

Warnings: attempted infanticide. Also patricide, suicide, and random character deaths, largely for plot purposes. Also includes self mutilation and eventual fratricide (in the sequel).

kinks: mommy!cest, Smart!sphinx as deus ex machina

additional note: yes, the Sphinx dies in this one. Sorry, this is my first attempt at a kink! meme so I am sorry for any plot holes or inconsistencies in the story. Please leave lots and lots of feedback! Thx!

[le-maistre-e.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I love *you* and I don't even know you!!!

Story, please to be introducing, if possible??!!

[ratherastory.livejournal.com]

Uh, I don't think it's a story. I think she was just inventing something hilarious. :)

[le-maistre-e.livejournal.com]

Story, darling, it's in the subject.... The story is Oedipus (I saw that) and what *I* wrote was "Story (ie **you**), please to be introducing, if possible" in reference to the "I don't even know you" bit written to Miss Calamity.

:-) *glomps you lots*

[ratherastory.livejournal.com]

*headdesk*

Okay. Reading comprehension FAIL on my part. That's happened twice today. Clearly, those three cups of coffee weren't enough. :P

That up there is calamitycrow. She writes awesome fanfic, and her kitty often posts for her when she doesn't have time. There are weekly poetry recs, and she is an all-around very shiny individual.

:)

I will go introduce you.

[calamitycrow.livejournal.com]

three cups of coffee? Duuddde, I need three cups to just get out of freakin' bed.

Hai, le_maistre_e! (waves from the country of Texas) New friends are always smished and loved! (attacks and glomps you)

And yep, I am the crazy one who usually lets the cat run my LJ - cats have a natural talent for learning HTML,trufax!

[le-maistre-e.livejournal.com]

Texas?? Oh darn.... *waves back*

And yea!! to new friends!!!

And a pretty decent excuse to visit Texas if ever it's needed!! :-) LOL!!

[calamitycrow.livejournal.com]

oh hai Sasha!

And yes, Texas is a great place - bbq and tex-mex and salsa and tex-mex. You should definitely send your human this way!

[ratherastory.livejournal.com]

So in order to remedy the fact that you don't know le_maistre_e, here's a quick intro:

She's one of my recent conversions to the Show, and the only RL friend of mine who knows about this LJ.

Have fun!