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What if "real" authors had to post warnings?

hansons_angel and I started a thread in my previous post about the fanfiction convention of posting warnings before a fic. Y'know, character death, who tops (or whatever), gore, torture, sex, blah blah blah.

Then we thought, what if professional mainstream authors had to post warnings on their books?

pkwench mentioned Lovecraft, and suddenly this popped into my head:

WARNING: Excessive use of non-Euclidean geometry. May cause madness upon completion. Things Man Was Not Meant To Know™. Also, purple prose. Caveat emptor.

So I'm curious now, dear flist. If you feel like it, why don't you post what YOU think would be the warnings posted by your favourite authors? Come on, you know you want to!

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I shall return to this later post bath, but two things:

- You're just like my favorite LJer today. Seriously, you're killing me.

- I'm sure I'll get it from a few people, but I think the entire Twilight saga should come with a massive self-insertion by way of MarySue tag. LOL Also, if one were to warn for glitter? Oh, yes. Indeed.

Hee! Stephenie Meyer.

WARNING: Purple prose, weak-willed heroine, and SPARKLES. Like diamonds in the sunlight, people, you HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I mostly read the warnings to see if it's WIncest or not.

Sometimes warnings just ruin the whole point of the story. I posted a death fic up and although I did put a warning, I felt that it took away from the impact of the story

Romeo and Juliet - Warning: Character death.

I can see people throwing onions and cabbages now because Will didn't warn anyone about that first.

Lol! In fact, he did tell the audience what the whole play was about in the Prologue.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. . . .

In his day, he had to do that because it was more about hearing a play then seeing one.

Go Will!

But, you know, I totally get that warning can diminish the impact of the story especially when things don't really appear as they seem.

*LOL* Can you tell how long it's been since I've read anything of import? It's amazing that I didn't even remember that. I'll have to make it a point to make sure that my book/play/story selection is well rounded when I recommence with reading in 2011. *G*

What's the saying? So much to read, so little time.

Good luck!

I remember a book we once had to read in school from Max Frisch, a German crackpot... I mean author. (He definitely is NOT my favourite author though and until the day I can't understand why students have to read this crap in school of all places.)

This author had the gift to abuse the German language with every single word. Grammar, structure and syntax? Pft! Who needs that.

There is one sentence that I'll never forget in my life. In German the sentence was: "Das Deck war naß weil Gischt." The english equivalent: "The deck was wet because froth." That's not even a freaking sentence!!!

If I had written a sentence like that in one of my essays my teacher would have kicked my ass. Nonetheless we had to read that abomination.

So, my warning for that book and author? Pronounced abuse of the German language. Don't read if you know more about the rules of it than the author... which includes pretty much every German and probably non-German on this planet *headdesk*

I know people that are triggered when they read certain stuff and that makes me iper-sensitive to it; I try to at least give an idea of what the story is about because it would make me feel awful knowing that someone has been triggered by something I have written. People react differently to fanfiction than to profiction - I know I do due to the greater attachment I have to the characters. I haven't read a fic yet that I know will be splendid because I fear that it will depress me too much.
On the other hand, there's always the option 'chose not to warn' which will make readers with triggers thread carefully. Or a general warnings post you could send your potential readers to where you say what they can expect in general in your stories.

It's not from my favorite author, (opposite, actually) but how about,

Twilight, WARNING: Endless descriptions of how hot vampires are. Clumsy heroine who lacks emotional depth. Do not read if allergic to clichés.

And I totally second pkwench on Romeo and Juliet.

In my opinion, whatever that's worth, why would you want to read something if the author has warned you of the ending at the beginning? I kinda like the surprises.
Maybe its just me.

Anyway, I'll just go this way now...

Heee!

Richard the III:

warning: this play was written as a stand-alone, but contains references to historical events and persons, as well as other plays, and may not be suitable for those who want 5-minute fanfic. It also contains murder, more murder, infanticide, lots of character death, large amounts of iambic pentameter, occasional misuse of eye rhymes, and excessive monologuing.

Oh and character death.

Edited 2010-03-17 13:42 (UTC)

And dramatic irony! Let's not forget the dramatic irony.

"By the way, did you know that I am STILL EVIL?"

:D

\o/

You rock. :D

see what you started?

Gone With the Wind:

Warning! Contains het and references to war and slavery that may squick some readers. Also contains character death, some profanity, and it may take the heroine more than twenty pages to put clothes on. Preslash between Charles and Ashley if you squint closely.

Bwahah! I love you, SO HARD.

This is exactly what I wanted to start, so I'm glad some people have caught on! :D

Preslash between Charles and Ashley if you squint closely.

I'm so dying here.:)

(grins) which means u need to come play with us!

Hee hee hee! That's awesome. :D

I'm reading Charles De Lint right now so...

Warning: Bohemian!Everyone. May contain visits to the spirit world, animal people, fairies, and antlers.

Antlers!

*dies*

I should have put antler!fic! That would have been more funny. Sigh.

.... but warnings are needed.....

Warning: **Excessive** use of description to carry the narrative forward. Length is not conducive to catching up at work. Updates only released once every two years *GASP* or so. Oh and deaths abound, but then the writer dies, too, without finishing the story. Apparently, the Beta has all necessary information...

Hmmmm, tempted to let people guess who? :-)

BWAH!

If I didn't already love you, I totally would now. :D

Awww, Story, I had no idea.

I'm assuming, therefore, that you have a small clue who I'm referring to here?

Let's keep it between us, shall we?? :-) See who else gets it?

*glomps you*

I totally know who you're talking about. I want to see who else gets it. :D

Calamitycrow pointed me over to this lovely thread, and now I'm all curious, because when I think of authors dying with unfinished works, I primarily think of: 1) Charles Dickens, 2) Frank Herbert. And that probably tells a lot about me. Alas, I don't think either of those authors fits your description, so I'm all curious. *sigh*

This one is a famous fantasy author who passed away recently, leaving all his fans wailing and gnashing their teeth and tearing their clothes.

(Robert Jordan)

(headdesk) I didn't even know he'd died. Wow. Shows how much I pay attention to modern writers.

Apparently, his Beta (ie lovely wife, who's been ghosting with him for the last few anyway 'cause he was pretty sick towards the end) has all the notes for the last one. She and his son(?? rumour here at best) are supposed to be teaming up.

OK so half this screen is cut off and I have no idea if there be typos. Sorry!!!

*disgusted gasp* You weren't supposed to say anything??!!

LOL!!!

If "real" authors posted warnings...

Lets just say I never would have read nearly all the books that I did in the car on trips, at home, or anywhere my Mom could see the covers.

*snort*

That is very true. There are certain things one doesn't exactly want to advertise to the whole world. :D

Somebody stop me, plz!

Cat in the Hat

Warning: this book contains excessive use of the same 200 (give or take) words and gratuitous quantities of doggerel. Also contains blatant abuse of a goldfish. This author in no way endorses leaving small children in the care of pets--even pets who are properly attired.

A/N: Click here (http://ratherastory.livejournal.com/31730.html) for Theo_Seuss' Thing 1 and Thing 2 Bigbang fic. Warning! Contains bdsm and breathplay. Art is NWS.

No no, keep going!

I will have to check that out. Thanks for the link!

Oedipus

a/n: written for I_luv_thebes' Greek tragedy kink!meme

Warnings: attempted infanticide. Also patricide, suicide, and random character deaths, largely for plot purposes. Also includes self mutilation and eventual fratricide (in the sequel).

kinks: mommy!cest, Smart!sphinx as deus ex machina

additional note: yes, the Sphinx dies in this one. Sorry, this is my first attempt at a kink! meme so I am sorry for any plot holes or inconsistencies in the story. Please leave lots and lots of feedback! Thx!

Seriously, I love *you* and I don't even know you!!!

Story, please to be introducing, if possible??!!

Uh, I don't think it's a story. I think she was just inventing something hilarious. :)

Story, darling, it's in the subject.... The story is Oedipus (I saw that) and what *I* wrote was "Story (ie **you**), please to be introducing, if possible" in reference to the "I don't even know you" bit written to Miss Calamity.

:-) *glomps you lots*

*headdesk*

Okay. Reading comprehension FAIL on my part. That's happened twice today. Clearly, those three cups of coffee weren't enough. :P

That up there is

calamitycrow. She writes awesome fanfic, and her kitty often posts for her when she doesn't have time. There are weekly poetry recs, and she is an all-around very shiny individual.

:)

I will go introduce you.

three cups of coffee? Duuddde, I need three cups to just get out of freakin' bed.

Hai, le_maistre_e! (waves from the country of Texas) New friends are always smished and loved! (attacks and glomps you)

And yep, I am the crazy one who usually lets the cat run my LJ - cats have a natural talent for learning HTML,trufax!

Texas?? Oh darn.... *waves back*

And yea!! to new friends!!!

And a pretty decent excuse to visit Texas if ever it's needed!! :-) LOL!!

oh hai Sasha!

And yes, Texas is a great place - bbq and tex-mex and salsa and tex-mex. You should definitely send your human this way!

So in order to remedy the fact that you don't know

le_maistre_e, here's a quick intro:

She's one of my recent conversions to the Show, and the only RL friend of mine who knows about this LJ.

Have fun!

Not one of my favorite authors, but Kevin J. Anderson's books should come with a warning to the effect of:

WARNING: Character Death. Planetary explosion and anihilation. More Character Death. Character Death by the Billions, but you won't care about it, because I act like it happens so often, it's no big deal. Angst. Spirit plane walking. Dismemberment. More Character Death. (Oh, and don't get too attached to anything, because if I get bored when I'm writing the sequel, I'll just blow up another planet to keep things interesting.)

*snerk*

Sounds like a fun guy. Haven't read any of his work, though.

Character death, murder, profanity, sexual references, supernatural elements.

And this would be MacBeth...

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