What if "real" authors had to post warnings?

So pkwench and hansons_angel and I started a thread in my previous post about the fanfiction convention of posting warnings before a fic. Y'know, character death, who tops (or whatever), gore, torture, sex, blah blah blah.

Then we thought, what if professional mainstream authors had to post warnings on their books? pkwench mentioned Lovecraft, and suddenly this popped into my head:

WARNING: Excessive use of non-Euclidean geometry. May cause madness upon completion. Things Man Was Not Meant To Know™. Also, purple prose. Caveat emptor.

So I'm curious now, dear flist. If you feel like it, why don't you post what YOU think would be the warnings posted by your favourite authors? Come on, you know you want to!

What if "real" authors had to post warnings?

So pkwench and hansons_angel and I started a thread in my previous post about the fanfiction convention of posting warnings before a fic. Y'know, character death, who tops (or whatever), gore, torture, sex, blah blah blah.

Then we thought, what if professional mainstream authors had to post warnings on their books? pkwench mentioned Lovecraft, and suddenly this popped into my head:

WARNING: Excessive use of non-Euclidean geometry. May cause madness upon completion. Things Man Was Not Meant To Know™. Also, purple prose. Caveat emptor.

So I'm curious now, dear flist. If you feel like it, why don't you post what YOU think would be the warnings posted by your favourite authors? Come on, you know you want to!

We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It

Title: We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It
Summary: In spite of her better judgment, Lindsey goes to set the record straight with Sam after the events of "Free To Be You and Me."
Spoilers: Up to the end of 5.04 "The End."
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Lindsay, brief appearance by Dean (sort of)
Rating: NC-17, God help me
Word Count: 6,743
Warnings: Uh, sex. NSFW.
Disclaimer: The closest I have ever come to owning anything related to SPN is that I once read a couple of Misha Collins' tweets. I don't even have Twitter, I borrowed someone else's. So, uh, yeah. I got nothin'. If Kripke knew what I get up to with his creations, he'd probably take me out behind a shed and shoot me.
Neurotic Author's Note: I kind of banged this together on a whim. I haven't re-read it or proofread it or even spell-checked, because I am too fucking chicken. See Neurotic Author's Note #3.
Neurotic Author's Note #2: Okay, so I really liked Lindsey and was annoyed she got so little screen time, so I decided to write a quick thing about her going to ask Sam to explain the whole apocalypse deal. It was going to be a quickie, maybe 500 words, nothing big. So that didn't work out as planned.
Neurotic Author's Note #3: Oh, dear God, I wrote PORN. Full-on heterosexual sex. *headdesk* IDEK. /o\ Please please PLEASE be nice in your comments, even if it's terrible. Oh God, oh God, oh God. You can tell me if it sucks, just... be nice about it. I can take it, mostly. I can't believe I'm actually posting this. I think I may find a convenient rock to hide under in the meantime. GAH.
Neurotic Author's Note #4: The title is taken from one of the "promises" from Alcoholics Anonymous. Just FYI.


( We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It )

We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It

Title: We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It
Summary: In spite of her better judgment, Lindsey goes to set the record straight with Sam after the events of "Free To Be You and Me."
Spoilers: Up to the end of 5.04 "The End."
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Lindsay, brief appearance by Dean (sort of)
Rating: NC-17, God help me
Word Count: 6,743
Warnings: Uh, sex. NSFW.
Disclaimer: The closest I have ever come to owning anything related to SPN is that I once read a couple of Misha Collins' tweets. I don't even have Twitter, I borrowed someone else's. So, uh, yeah. I got nothin'. If Kripke knew what I get up to with his creations, he'd probably take me out behind a shed and shoot me.
Neurotic Author's Note: I kind of banged this together on a whim. I haven't re-read it or proofread it or even spell-checked, because I am too fucking chicken. See Neurotic Author's Note #3.
Neurotic Author's Note #2: Okay, so I really liked Lindsey and was annoyed she got so little screen time, so I decided to write a quick thing about her going to ask Sam to explain the whole apocalypse deal. It was going to be a quickie, maybe 500 words, nothing big. So that didn't work out as planned.
Neurotic Author's Note #3: Oh, dear God, I wrote PORN. Full-on heterosexual sex. *headdesk* IDEK. /o\ Please please PLEASE be nice in your comments, even if it's terrible. Oh God, oh God, oh God. You can tell me if it sucks, just... be nice about it. I can take it, mostly. I can't believe I'm actually posting this. I think I may find a convenient rock to hide under in the meantime. GAH.
Neurotic Author's Note #4: The title is taken from one of the "promises" from Alcoholics Anonymous. Just FYI.


( We Will Not Regret The Past, Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It )